Look At How Insignificant We Are In The Scheme Of Things!

I have this favourite kink meme saved in my phone, and I’ll sometimes send it to my new submissives for shits and giggles.

It flips the usual fantasy of control into cosmic humility. And right there it exposes a lens many men and submissives bring to Femdom and professional Dominatrixes: a fetishized gaze that makes everything about their own need. I often remind them, “Relationships - are not always about you.”

I don’t see kink as an alter-ego. Whether it’s lived daily or indulged once in a while, it’s not a mask I put on and remove; it’s an extension of the self, a medium for needs and desires. I often think between the interconnectedness about our kink self and our perceived ‘vanilla’ self; they’re continuous, feeding into one another in loops of recognition. The rituals, the gear, the scenes - they are not escapist fantasies so much as doorways into a deeper honesty. To integrate kink isn’t to step out of reality, but to step into it more fully.

But then, what is this “self” we are seeking?

The phase “seeking authenticity” gets tossed around by many therapists, self-help gurus and the likes until it blurs into cliché. So let me turn instead to the Diamond Sutra, one of Buddhism’s most profound texts.

It reads:

若以色见我，以音声求我，是人行邪道，不能见如来。To translate, it reads: “If you search for me in shapes and colors, or chase after me in voices and echoes, you wander astray, and the Tathāgata will remain unseen.”

At first glance, it read like a caution against idolatry in Buddhism: if believers cling only to Buddha’s form, or image, if you will, (statues, paintings and the like), or his voice in scripture, they will miss what those signs point toward, and their attempts will be misguided. And thus, they will never find Buddha, or enlightenment.

But on a second reading, there is a deeper meaning than just about idolatry and religion; in this case, the “me” and “Tathāgata” are not external at all - they refer to seeking our innermost self, an awakening within. This is what Buddhism refers to as Buddha-nature (佛性).

If we seek to find who we are through external forms - the clothes we wear, our job titles in life, the labels we arrange ourselves around, or to chase identity in the voices of others, whether in their praise, judgement or criticism, is to miss the point. To live by those echoes is to wander astray, because those forms are fleeting, volatile and impermanent. They shimmer, then vanish. If our sense of self rests solely on them, we will always be unsettled, dependent on the shifting judgements of the world and wandering in illusion.

Kink (and professional domination too) tempts us in such reflection. We are drawn into illusions of power, tempted to see ourselves in the roles we inhabit - a submissive kneeling before us, granting what feels like power over men. The gleam of latex wrapping us in a second skin, alluring and sexy. The names others call us: strong, commanding, irresistible. These identities, these porn-fueled fantasies, like the forms and voices referenced in the sutra, are intoxicating. But they are not us. To cling to them is to mistake the echo for the voice, the reflection for the source.

Just like a raft, it is merely just a vessel to cross the river, but not a burden to carry once the far shore is reached. Nor is our raft something to compare with others, or with those still building theirs. Our roles, our labels, our tools, they are means, not ends. Yet many live as though the role is all there is, forever circling in pursuit of the applause, just like drinking seawater to quench one’s thirst - The more seawater consumed, the greater the thirst.

So what is this enlightenment and Buddha-nature then? Circling back to the Sutra, Buddha-nature is the innate capacity that resides within us. It is not something to be earned, because it is already there; yet not to be distracted by the forms or voices in every day life. In the context of kink, this means that one’s identity, power, or submission does not ultimately come from the objects we weld, things we wear, or even the dynamics and interactions of a scene. Those are expressions, skillful means, like the raft crossing the river. But the source - the authenticity and authority of who we are - emerges from Buddha-nature (or from our enlightened self, in a less religious point of view) itself. It is our inherent capacity to be fully present, honest, and awake. Presence means that our wholeness is never deferred to a future time or another validation - it is here, in this moment, before the session, before the latex, before the performance. Honesty means turning inward as much as outward, cutting through the subtle ways we confuse the echo for the source, the title for the truth, the sheen for the substance. And to be awake is to step out of the cycles of compulsion, where we chase identity, material objects, validation in forms that cannot satisfy; it is to see and acknowlege both their beauty and their impermanence without clinging on to it. Enlightement is not a theatre of power or desire, but a practice of returning to that ground of being which was always ours to begin with.

I am dominant not because someone kneels before me, but because the ability to lead comes from within. When I submit to someone’s leadership, it is not to someone “more dominant,” but because I can be vulnerable and to entrust my ego, my authority, my guard. Of course, I am still but human. I do get excited purchasing a new bag (Yes, the Sac de Jour) or affirmed when a client compliments on my skills. Instead, I choose to take a step back, understanding these do not fully define me. In millenial speak, I have found my inner peace; I am net happy. Happiness to me does not wait in the next latex suit, in the next affirmation spoken, or in the probabilities of a future success. It is found in the simple act of being present - where selfhood and surrender, dominance and devotion, dissolve into the same ground.

Sometimes self-actualisation is not a reaching upward, but a remembering downward: uncovering a truth that was always already ours.