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A beginner's guide to getting started in kink & BDSM in Singapore

New to kink & BDSM in Singapore? Starting a FetLife profile, joining a BDSM/kink community in Singapore to meet likeminded kinksters may be daunting. Quick tip: kink etiquette is no difference from those in our vanilla setting. Be genuine, non-creepy and you'd make friends quick.



One of my best friends in kink, Mike, wrote a guide for newbies for their journey through kink:

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A while back, a single guy that was new to kink asked me, "How does one get started in this? I don't know anyone to explore it with!".


I've a list of action items to do below (sounds so corporate!), do note that you don't have to do everything exactly in this order, and that each item can be a work in progress that you revisit and continue to build up/out over time.


Have a decent profile on Fetlife/Twitter

This is KEY, and the first port of call when communicating with anyone. It helps others to gauge if they might be a good fit with you, and vice versa. Think of it this way - if they don't feel like it's a match, you saved time - that's important too!


Notes about your profile:

1) Openness, honesty and ethics goes a damn long way

Firstly, DO NOT LIE. All lying does, is to setup a difference in expectations that will ultimately lead to disappointment from the other person.


If you are new, or inexperienced, be honest to say it - everyone starts somewhere and there's no shame in that! At the same time, while acknowledging your newbie-ness, do show how you might be proactively taking steps to grow and correct that.


2) Know yourself: who you are

Now that we've got that out of the way. A few lines about your core beliefs, personality and character traits will help others immensely in figuring out WHO you are, warts and all.

For example, if you are strongly monogamous and deal with jealousy issues, please, be upfront and state it. (Ok, this point might be contentious but I feel that 'tricking' someone into building bridges with you, and then revealing this at a later date is not a good approach). You get the drift!


3) Know yourself: what you bring to the table, what you can provide

Ok, now that you've stated who you are, why would someone want to associate with you?

Approach it from the other person's point of view. Don't begin by stating what YOU want, but rather what you can provide. And yes, even as a newbie, there's a lot you can bring to the table. Your newness can also be attractive to the right people too - own it!


4) Know yourself: what you want/are looking for

Ok, now you've got the other party's attention - they would also want to evaluate if what they bring to the table matches what you might be interested in exploring.


Now's NOT the time to be shy or beat about the bush. Just state the bloody obvious in as plain and direct a way as possible. What are you looking for? It reduces miscommunication and saves everyone's time! Do note, a (not too long) laundry list of kinks you might want to explore could be relevant here :)


Do not be embarrassed to state preferences, I've seen profiles that require specific races, heights, dick sizes, body types, height, weight et al - it's ok, we have a right to our own preferences, just as others have a right to theirs.


A converse to this is, what you are NOT looking for. Sometimes, it helps to also state what you don't want. That helps somewhat in eliminating random people messaging you for things you have no interest in pursuing.


5) Pics - This should provide more insight into you

Choose some pics that speak a little about you and help to embellish who you are. They don't necessarily have to be kink pics, some pictures of you playing sports, or indulging in your hobbies can do too.


Fetlife especially, is a kink site - the great thing is that one can also share your own kinkiness more openly.


6) (Pro) Doms, subs and everything in between

Looking for a Dom? Or looking for a sub? The best Doms (whatever the gender) do pick their subs very carefully. Likewise actually for a sub.


Even prodommes in Singapore pick their clients carefully. Thus, your profile is quite important even when a tribute is required for a service to be rendered. Just because one is paying, doesn't mean that you'll be accepted.


7) Network and make friends first

Wow, I'm new to Fetlife/Twitter and there seem to be so many kinky people around!!! WAIT!!! Do not proposition anyone and everyone right off the bat.


Firstly, because one is new, you might inadvertently commit some social faux pas. Start slowly. Once you've made a mistake and a bad initial impression, it will be hard to change that. (Pro-tip #2: If you're new and there's someone you really, really, like based on their profile, wait! Pick up a bit of experience first and chat with others slightly lower on your priority list before re-approaching them at a later date)


8) Get a feel for the community that you share a mutual interest in

A really good idea is to first mix with the community, get to know social expectations and to orient yourself to norms and expectations.


Munches are a good way to start (Once Singapore reopens, hopefully) and some experienced people would be open to give advice and assist. Don't be afraid to ask for advice and help, you just might get it!


9) Make friends in the community

It's also useful to go in with the perspective of first making friends rather than finding a kink partner right off the bat. Somehow, that seems to work best, as a general rule of thumb.



10) Be respectful, non-pushy and non-needy

For guys, this is an important point to note, because too many of us give our gender a bad rep!!! In a way, we have no idea what a turnoff this is.


Don't be the dude that spams tens of messages to someone with no return reply. Give space and time for others to respond, and if they don't, take the hint and move on. It's ok to re-try once or twice (person could be at a busy period in their life etc.)


11) It takes time - don't hurry or it will simply take longer

My rough estimate if you put your mind to it and start with the above - it can take about a few months to get your initial footing and a feel for things.


If you rush to spam everyone, this will only make things harder for you at a later date to connect with others. In the worst case, you might be blacklisted.


If you want to reap the benefits and rewards, be prepared to put in effort and show your sincerity. It's almost a guarantee that you'll succeed, but so many fail at just this step - because they want the benefits without doing the self-development and doing the time.


12) Self-improvement and bringing more value to those around you

We're all not the finished product. As we continue to develop and grow, a virtuous feedback cycle will start to form, bringing positive people into our lives, as we are likewise, a positive input into other's lives.


A perpetual reminder here - do not remain stagnant, do not rest on our laurels at the first sign of success. The passion to continue learning and growing is a great sign of someone that's worthy to be around.


13) Pick up a skill or build experience - as far as you can do so

Interested in ropes? No partner? Start with self-tying. In our areas of interest, we can potentially develop ourselves on our own - rarely is it mandatory for a partner to develop some skills in a passion.


As a newbie, even if you don't have "real life" experience, do take the opportunity to read up. Learn about BDSM, safety frameworks, consent, communication, sex education (safety and knowledge on responsible play), understanding about risks involved in your kink of choice - all these are important and, with some experienced folks, deal-breakers if you don't display awareness or understanding about them. - @OfficialPothosd

There are tons of resources, guides, and discussions on the above, as well as elements more specific to each kink, all freely available on Fetlife and the Internet.


Use your imagination and begin your personal journey, your sincerity will attract others to connect with you. And we can then help each other out! But, until that time comes, first, work on ourselves.


14) Communication skills!

Communication is the fundamental for almost anything. And this is something we can continually improve on, even on our own.


15) Attitudes and mindsets

One area we can continually work on is our attitude and mindsets. Again, this can be done on our own.


Oh, I've potentially found someone with mutual interests! What do I do next?


a) Dig deeper and communicate!

Look for a mutual match and not simply a one-sided match. Initial communication might seem promising, let's find out more and perhaps at a certain point, arrange to meet.

Actually, at every point in our interaction with others, we are all on the same side. We both want to see if interests align and we both want to save time if we don't align. Start from there!


When meeting and chatting, read the vibe and...


b) Don't be afraid to walk away/say no

Yes, if you find yourself never saying no to others or not selecting your interactions, that's a red flag. It's a red flag to ourselves as much as it is to others.


It is impossible to match with everyone and thus we should always be selecting - this helps ourselves, and, also helps others to... you got it... save time!


Even if not a match, the other party may be appreciative and introduce you at a later date to someone they feel might be a good match for you.


c) Ethics - if with multiple partners, keep them informed and safe

Yes, there might come a time that you find another someone to mutually explore one aspect of kink with - perhaps because your primary doesn't share the same interests, or for whatever other reasons.


Therein comes a test - should I tell my partner(s) or keep it quiet and indulge secretly? I've found, being open actually helps to build far deeper connections and trust with your partner(s) - these can lead to benefits for them as well.



Also, managing risk and being responsible in taking your existing partner(s) into consideration is always a good thing in my book. This is a big, and very valid reason for openness and good communication all around.


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You can find Mike on Fetlife here

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