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My First Year As A Professional Dominatrix

Mistress Wei’s reflection at her one-year anniversary mark


If there's one thing people will probably misunderstand about a professional dominatrix's life, it's that it is luxurious and easy. Do you really think we merely spank a few bare bums and call it a day? No honey, it’s not the slightest bit like that at all.


Mistress Wei spanking a round, plump ass while half kneeling on the carpeted floor.
My first session on 10th Oct 2020. Exciting times!

In the last one year since I have been a dominatrix myself—under the tutelage of Goddess Ashley who has patiently guided me, brought out my strengths and helped me overcome my weaknesses—I've come to realise several things about myself.


I count myself lucky to have found a loving and patient mentor, and a group of friends who are supportive through and through. It’s with the support of these people that I’ve been able to blossom from an unassuming, average girl into the confident, assertive woman I am today.


Here are five most valuable lessons I’ve learned as a professional dominatrix.


Dominance is a mindset


In my first couple months as a dominatrix, I struggled to make sense of the vanilla and kink aspects of my life. To my peers, I appeared aggressive and difficult to approach. I would raise my voice, and demand attention. Being authoritative and aggressive—I thought these were the defining traits of a dominant.


However, since the time I’ve been putting on this “dominant” personality, I felt inauthentic and sought advice from a fellow Dominant, who asked me “What does dominance mean to you, Mistress Wei?”


I pondered over this question for some time and realised that dominance has nothing to do with aggressiveness and all to do with assertiveness. It’s about having confidence, a high level of self-awareness, and the ability to influence others with forward thinking.


In sessions, I’m the dominant who decides how the reins over my submissives’ behaviours are to be pulled, and it is my duty to exercise this control with care as I influence my submissives to push themselves, mentally and physically.


It pleases me that I am finally able to reconcile the vanilla and kink aspects of my life and be comfortable with who I am. I’ve become more decisive, empathetic and firm in my beliefs. Dominance is a state of mind, and I revel in it.


There is no "weird" kink or fetish


In this year alone, if I had a dollar for every time someone apologized for having a “weird” kink, I could buy myself a year’s supply of chicken rice. Honestly, after hearing the variety of fetishes my submissives have, I’ve reached a point where I think no kink or fetish is “weird”. It’s just that some are less common than others.


The explanation for this diversity is simple. Everybody's brains and bodies are wired differently, and so it's natural that our desires, kinks and fetishes can be vastly different. If we start labelling people’s kinks as weird, we’re denying someone the chance to explore parts of their sexuality.


What matters is that they enjoy it within healthy and safe means, and do not cause harm to others. Kink should be a safe space for us to escape to and not something to be ashamed about.


Consent is oversimplified and underrated


Most folks might think that getting consent boils down to hearing a yes or no. Some, want to hear a yes even if their partner says no. At times, we fail to know when a person is unable to give consent on their own accord—such as when they are intoxicated, coerced by someone, or threatened in some way.


I’ve experienced a fair amount of consent violation, both before and during my time as a dominatrix. During my dates, instead of firmly telling my date I would rather not be kissed, I’d turn my head away to avoid it, thus to avoid awkward conflict. I was afraid to be the ‘mood killer’, hence tried to find ways to politely dodge an uncomfortable situation. While as a newbie dominatrix, I’ve had submissives who had the audacity to touch me inappropriately, without my permission. Some even tried their luck in “convincing” me to bend my rules.


Looking back, I wish I was more upfront with my personal boundaries, and do so without the guilt of not being “accommodating enough”. Regardless if I present myself as a dominatrix or not, personal boundaries should be mutually respected.


Stickman grants Mistress Wei permission to engage

Now, whenever I see someone who asks for consent, I see it as a sign that they understand respect, pay attention to boundaries, and can make the conscious effort to not cross them. With a clearer understanding of what consent entails, I no longer feel the need to be apologetic about withholding consent, nor do I feel obliged to grant it.


Sex is not the only form of intimacy


When we think of the word ‘intimacy’, sex often comes to mind. But what I’ve learned is that having a narrow understanding of sex as the only form of intimacy prevents us from enjoying and appreciating other ways that intimacy can manifest itself.


Whenever I craved for intimacy, my old vanilla self would nonchalantly seek to have sex with my partner, not because I genuinely enjoyed it, but because I saw it as the only way my partner and I could be intimate. You see, back then I had no idea that intimacy could encompass experiences beyond the physical, that it could also be emotional and intellectual.


As a dominatrix, I’ve managed to engage in emotional and intellectual intimacy with a handful of selected submissives. We would converse for hours, over various topics. I’ve seen individuals reveal what lies behind their stoic and uptight exterior; I’ve enjoyed their cackling laughters and held them while they shed tears.


Through kink, I’ve broken through facades, making my submissives realise that being starved of intimacy is not a physical deprivation but a different form of human connection that’s difficult to describe with words. These shared moments are impactful and unforgettable, even more so than sexual intimacy.


BDSM is a craft and an experience to be enjoyed


If you met me in early 2020 and asked me what I thought a professional dominatrix was, I probably would’ve conjured in your mind images of beautiful women wearing leather corsets and high heels, and they’d be walking tall over their (mostly male) slaves with a whip in hand. While many dominatrixes do don such outfits (I love corsets!), I've come to realise that there’s more than meets the eye. Being a dominatrix means bearing a lot of accountability and responsibility for the care and control of our submissives.


On this path, and in the shoes (or boots, in my case) of growing a dominatrix, I come to see this profession as being more than an average service provider. In many respects, we are artists, we are designers, and we are mentors. We embrace what it means to be human, from our innate desires we want to express to our intentions in work and life. As a dominatrix, I want to create something magical for the individual I take care of.


BDSM is therefore a craft, where us practitioners blend beauty, intelligence, empathy and intuition. Every session is curated, and never goes exactly the same way.


It takes a certain calibre of a woman to be a professional dominatrix and I’m proud to be standing alongside like-minded women in a diverse community.


Mistress Wei in 2022


I’m not ready to leave yet! The kink community has helped me grow so much, and I’m definitely sticking around a little bit longer. I’m thankful for everyone I have met along the way, from my fellow dominants, submissives and kinksters. Without all of your support, I wouldn’t have achieved this much in one year.

As 2022 approaches, I’d love to continue growing as a dominatrix in several ways:

  1. Dive deeper into my explorations with fetish gear. I will be in need of more wardrobe space!

  2. Improve my technical skills in creating and executing scenes.

  3. Increasing my patience (for I have little to none)

  4. Becoming a better communicator with the people I meet

  5. Research and understand more on the psychological aspects of BDSM, in order to expand my understanding of BDSM’s effects on the human psyche.


To end off this reflection, I would encourage the kink-curious individuals to take a trip down the BDSM rabbit hole and explore this realm in the underground. Perhaps you’ll learn more about yourself than you would expect! And with that, stay safe, stay sane and play consensually.


Yours playfully,

Mistress Wei



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